In my first post after our big Italian adventure, I promised to write about triggering while traveling. For those of you who have been waiting with bated breath for that post to drop, today’s your lucky day! Let’s dig in.
First, I want you to understand what a trigger is. To do that, I’m going to quote a book – my book, in fact, the one I co-authored with Dr. Lisa Campbell – if you’ve been living under a rock and don’t know what I’m talking about, click here for details.
Have you ever taken a bite of candy or smelled something familiar on a warm summer’s breeze that suddenly reminded you of a person, place or event from your childhood? Maybe it brought to mind your favorite teacher, a place you visited every August, or a game you used to play with the other kids on your block. Whatever it is that caused that surge of pleasant emotion and memory is called a “trigger.” Triggers can be things like sights, sounds, smells, and even thoughts, such as remembering anniversary dates. We respond to them with the same emotions that we felt for the original person, place, thing, or event.
Of course, triggers can also remind us of negative things, like traumatic events or someone who hurt us. These types of triggers can cause your PTSD symptoms to flare up in a flood of painful emotions and uncomfortable physiological experiences. To recover from PTSD, it’s essential to figure out what triggers you. Unfortunately, uncovering your triggers isn’t quite as easy as it sounds. Some of your PTSD triggers might be obvious, but others may be downright sneaky. (49)
Much of the time, I trigger because of a memory. This might sound backwards. Instead of a physical thing triggering me, causing me to remember what happened, I think about what happened which can then trigger physiological symptoms. For example, if I recall the moment my child first told me about the crime or about my time on the stand during the trial, those memories then trigger an elevated heart rate, tightening in my chest, a pit in my stomach, or feeling shaky. This triggering can – but this is no longer inevitable – snowball into intrusive memories, an exaggerated startle reflex, and hyper vigilance. The good news is that as I’ve become more adept at recognizing my triggers, I’ve also learned effective ways to shut them down before they escalate into full blown attacks that quickly gain the upper hand over my emotions, thoughts, and actions.
The first triggers on my Italian voyage brought on disruptions in sleep, which are the symptoms I struggle with the most and probably always will. I was prepared for them and was able to deal while vacationing, although they truly surged once we were safely back in our own beds. This, I was not expecting. If you want more details, check out my post To sleep or not to sleep?
The second triggering experience came as a total surprise and required me to expend a substantial amount of energy to avoid a massive explosion of symptoms. Normally, I love the type of event I was hoping to attend that night in Rome. I can only imagine it was a problem on our trip because I was already triggered by the increase in my sleep-related symptoms and – more importantly – because it also triggered my son.
In order to explain, I need to give you a little background info. Rome hosts a huge party on New Year’s Eve complete with midnight fireworks over the Colosseum. How fun is that? So, I structured our trip to spend Christmas in Venice and New Year’s in Rome.
That morning, we toured the Colosseum and walked all over the city, eating our first plates of carbonara – wistful sigh. As the afternoon progressed, road blocks were erected and we noticed a substantial uptick in the number of police officers on the streets. This is when I first started feeling a wee bit nervous about our evening plans. We were staying across the river in Trastevere and, despite the progress I’ve made in shedding my most disruptive safety habits, I was feeling like I needed an escape plan in case everything went bad while we were celebrating in the street with a million other people.
Metro stops were being shuttered and busses rerouted. We took a taxi back to our apartment for a few hours of rest. The ride took forever because so many roads were closed. My unease-ometer clicked up another notch.
The evening began and we set out to find dinner in our neighborhood. As we walked away from our street, some teenagers set off firecrackers nearby. My startle response activated. I was determined that it wasn’t going to stop me. I love fireworks – and we were in Rome to see them over the Colosseum. We kept going.
Everywhere was packed. Restaurants were sold out for the night – my bad, I definitely should have been prepared for that. So we kept walking, looking for a quick place to grab a bite to eat. Every time we turned a corner, there were more bangs and booms from new groups of kids. And they were loud, echoing off the buildings lining the narrow, cobblestone streets. I was no longer the only one struggling, Mr. C was right there with me, exhibiting visible signs of anxiety. The triggering was now a very big problem.
I managed to talk us both down long enough to find a take away pizza place and get us back to our room – about 20-30 minutes. While this may not sound like a big accomplishment, I can assure you that it was. Each time a firecracker exploded in our vicinity, my brain responded by urging me to run and hide. I know this sounds ridiculous. We were safe. We were not in any actual danger. I recognized that, even at the time. But here’s why that doesn’t matter – and why PTSD is so invasive and controlling – our brains told us that we were in danger. And when your brain initiates a full-blown fear response, it is impossible to ignore it.
It is excruciating to resist as your brain commands you to act.
The fact that we were able to keep going despite a nearly overwhelming urge to flee represented true progress. But by the time we were tucked in safely on the sofa of our apartment, pizza in hand, we were too exhausted to even contemplate going out again that night. Instead, we relaxed in our room and ventured onto the balcony at midnight, watching smaller firework displays over our neighbors’ rooftops. It wasn’t the evening I’d dreamed about for months, but that was ok. I had pushed back at my symptoms when they were most urgent. And I managed to keep my son calm at the same time. This was huge.
Next time I take a trip like this, I’ll be more prepared. Every time something unexpected triggers my symptoms, I file it away for later. As I continue to add to this list, there will be fewer possible options to take me by surprise. And the more times I practice healthy coping strategies – like talking us through a stressful New Year’s Eve walk through Trastevere – the easier they will become to implement when I need them most.
On a side note, the stress from New Year’s Eve didn’t stop us. The next morning, we got up and got right back out there. That afternoon, we took the metro four miles out of town and wandered the paths of Aqueduct Park – a true historical treasure and one of our trip highlights – alongside Roman families and a handful of tourists.
All of today’s photos come from our days in Rome, a place we both want to return to… tomorrow if possible.
Thanks for reading!
For more information about triggers, please check out this post by my co-author, Dr. Lisa Campbell.
Work cited:
Campbell, Lisa, and Karie A. Kermath. Behavioral Activation for PTSD: A Workbook for Men. Althea Press, 2018.
